Loose Lips

The British comic, Jo Brand, has just published a book called 'Can't Stand Up for Sitting Down'. In a recent interview, she asserts that 'many comics are disturbed.' She may be in a unique position to make that statement, being both a comic and a former psychiatric nurse.

She's probably right. Comics, more than most professions, do have a skewed way of looking at the world. It's what we do. It's what makes things funny to us. And before you single us out, remember...you in the audience laugh at these skewed observations, so you're at least participating in the madness, if only for that odd hour as you sit in the dark of the comedy club or theatre and laugh. So you're in this too.

I've often thought that I must be 'disturbed' as I find things in life that are astonishingly stupid or hysterically funny and I seem to be the only one to do so. At least, my husband contends that I'm the only one he knows that thinks like me. And until I put it on stage in comic form, I sometimes think so too. It's when the audience laughs that I know that they understand that madness and recognize the truth of it. Laughter validates my 'disturbance' as it were. (So it's your fault after all!)

Here's a recent example: I read an article this week about the increase in numbers of women world wide who are opting for 'vaginal rejuvination' surgery. An increase of 300% in the last decade. Yes, they get their vaginal 'lips' tightened, tucked, and looking as close to 'new' as possible. In Australia alone nearly 1,400 women so far this year have opted for this cosmetic procedure. Now, as with most surgical procedures, there are valid medical reasons to have it done. But disturbingly (to carry out this theme) most of the women having this surgery do it purely for appearance's sake alone.

I'm at a loss to understand why. If I was going to have cosmetic surgery, I think I would do something that would be more visible to the vast majority of people I meet. Maybe a tummy tuck, a chin lift, getting rid of the puffiness around the eyes, that sort of thing. Presumably, unless you're a porn star or a high priced call girl, the audience for your physical upgrade would be quite small. So it must be just for personal satisfaction and self esteem. Again, it boggles my mind how your self esteem can depend on whether your labia is attractively smoothe as a Barbie doll or looks like a well worn saddle bag.

And so, in my disturbed comic way, I began to wonder. Just when is it that you decide you need to have 'vaginal rejuvination' or in medical jargon, a 'labioplasty'? Do you see yourself naked in the mirror one day and think, 'Good heavens! I look like I have Mick Jagger in a leg lock! And he needs a shave.' So I've come up with the top ten reasons for having a labioplasty, those moments when you realize you must get it done:

10. When you wear a short skirt on a windy day you sound like a tent flapping.
9. You trip over your shoe laces while running then remember those shoes don't have laces.
8. When you ride your bicycle you still need bicycle clips even if you're wearing shorts.
7. When you get a Brazilian, they charge you by the hour.
6. Instead of a pair of knickers, you have to wear a bra.
5. Your husband saw you in a pair of tights and said, 'Wow, your thighs have realled bulked up.'
4. You leave a trail in the sand when you walk on the beach.
3. You just had a 6kg baby and your fallopian tubes are dangling like a set of fleshy wind chimes.
2. You can still applaud your favourite band while carrying two beers back from the bar.

And the number one reason you know you need a labioplasty:

1. Your husband started calling you the 'HunchCrack of Notre Dame'.

Ok, so I'm a little disturbed. Time to go. I'm done flapping my lips for now.